Being a parent to me does not mean that I'm here to discipline and scold my children and decide for them what they do in their lives. Being a parent to me means, I am here to guide them. Most know that we do not spank in our house. This is a personal choice we have made. It is important to me to establish trust between our kids and us. I do not want our kids to fear us, feel shamed by us, nor do I want them to feel like they don't have a voice in this house. I allow our children to respond to us, so long as they are respectful about it. If you are angry, be angry. Tell us you're angry at us. You have the freedom to FEEL whatever you are feeling so long as you are respectful about it. Being sassy, talking back, having a bad attitude, are not okay. Coming to us and calmly letting us know you disagree with something we have said or done and that you feel angry about it, totally acceptable. This creates trust, this teaches communication, and this allows our children to process and understand and express what they are feeling. Will it necessarily change our decision? No. Not always. But we're willing to listen.
Tonight our 4 year old got in trouble for not listening. She was visibly upset about that. She said to my husband, "Dad i felt like you were not listening to ME!" And she didn't yell, she just kept repeating that she felt he wasnt listening. So I asked her to explain what she meant. She told him that when he yelled at her tonight, she had tried to explain to him what she was doing and that she was trying to help her sister but that he wouldn't listen to her and he thought she was misbehaving but she wasn't trying to. She was right. And we easily could have cut her off and said "I don't care, you need to listen to us." But that's devaluing her as a person. No matter how young. She deserves to have a voice and an opportunity to explain herself. My husband apologized to her for misunderstanding the situation and she was validated. We did also explain that next time, she should listen to daddy right away, and then ask if she can talk to him about what happened.
Another thing we've learned from our kids is that oftentimes we, as parents, make assumptions about what the kids are doing and their intentions behind it. We decide FOR them instead of asking them. Now, when we "discipline" them, we say, "do you understand why we are doing this?" Sometimes they say yes, but a lot of times they will explain from their point of view. And a lot of times, their point of view is way different from what we had decided in our heads was going on.
My children have humbled me. As a parent I've learned a lot from them. But just because I'm a parent, doesn't mean I automatically deserve their trust. No, I have to earn that just like everyone else does. I'm so thankful my kids have been talking to me lately. About school, about crushes (yes, sigh, all ready), about anything and everything. And I make sure I thank them every single time, for trusting me enough to talk to me about those things. I make sure they don't feel judged, put down, etc for what they share with me. If I don't agree with it, I find the best way to help guide them in a healthy direction and help them understand why its healthier, but ultimately I know and HAVE to respect that they have the final say. And whatever they choose, they will learn from it. This is life. And it's hard and it can be heartbreaking but it can also be the most beautiful experience ever.
Please don't forget that you were also that young once. You also felt and did the same things. It's more important to support them, and guide them, than it is to try and fit them into a mold that you think is right. They are their own person, and they need the freedom to be that. Our role is to help teach them the healthiest way to do that. And to help them be mindful and caring and loving and respectful. We won't get there with fear and punishment. That's not the answer.
I also had to remind my husband tonight that Willow is getting older. And that while its hard to accept that especially when it's your first daughter... That he needs to. And he needs to let her do what she needs to and grow how she needs to and trust in that journey. Hes not entirely thrilled at all that she has her first crush. But, I reminded him that if she shares that information with him (she told me not him) that he needs to listen and support her and not shame her or tell her she's wrong for feeling how she does. What she is feeling is very normal for her age, and while I know it makes him uncomfortable..
