Crazy 'little' thing called..... God.

Yes, I am going to blog about God again.
Sidenote: Funny, that made me think of Dog with a blog for some reason.. yes, I think I'm around kids way too much ;) haha I kid. I kid.

I've planning this blog post in my head for a little bit now. But could never really figure out how to put to paper... err... blog... the right way to explain things. So, I'm just going to ramble like I usually do and put it all out there.

It's no secret I believe in God. Or, at least I hope I have not made it a secret. But, I also am not the easiest person to figure out. I have really weird quirks. I am the most disorganized, spacey, and confusing person I know. I have been through more in my last 27 years than most endure in a lifetime. Though there are also things I have not experienced in my life that others have. Some.

But through out my journey in life, I can look back and see God's presence in every thing that has ever happened. I know He was guiding me on this journey opening certain doors and closing many others.. All to get me to the next place in my journey.

A big part of my life and how I live it is based on intuition. I have VERY strong intuitions about many things. I don't know if it's due to what I've all been through in my life and the people I have come across and the things I have seen and learned... or if it's God's way of constantly working through me and in me. Could be both.

When I was 12 years old, I was watching the news footage of the Columbine shooting. I was so young I don't think I fully grasped the concept of the depth and disparity of  what had all happened. But, I do remember sitting and hearing about Rachel Joy Scott. And I remember the very moment I fell to my face and started praying. I was crying and praying and just so in awe of her and her love for Christ. I wanted that. I also remember that over the course of the next week or so I felt God really telling me that when I was also 18, that something life changing was going to happen to me. I originally chalked it up to me just having all the Columbine stuff in my head and Rachel Joy being 18 and yadda yadda.... but over the course of the next few years I kept feeling God tell me that when I turned 18 something life changing was going to happen. I couldn't shake it. So I started to pray about it. I asked God to prepare me for it before whatever it was happened.

Years went by and a little before I turned 18 I had an accident and sliced my foot open. Very very deep. My foot has permanent nerve damage. They gave me vicodin for the pain and I got hooked on it. I got to the point where I was taking 8 at a time more than once a day. This was for about 2-3 months. I then met a friend I hadn't seen in years and reconnected with him. We hit it off pretty quickly and shortly into hanging out with him I felt God tell me it was time to kick the pills. So I stopped cold turkey. It was hard and it sucked but it needed to happen. About a month or so after I kicked the pills I was getting sick and vomiting. I thought perhaps it was detox. (I was pretty uneducated on detox at that point). But come to find out, I was pregnant.

I was 18 years old.

And my life was about to change. 
Not only that, but God had prepared me for this by showing me I needed to make lifestyle changes, like quitting what I was doing that was destroying my body to make me healthy for this precious human being I was about to carry and bring into this world. When I found out I was pregnant, I always knew I would keep him. Because I knew this was what God had prepared me for since I was 12. I knew that even though I made the decision to be sinful and out of wedlock, that God all ready knew the decisions I was going to make. 
There was talk of me giving my son up for adoption. From other people, but I always knew I would never do that. I made the decisions I made, and I was going to make sure I was responsible for those decisions. Even if that meant going it alone. Which I did for quite some time.

Following the birth of my son, I did fall back into a dark place. I was very lost. I made very poor decisions. And I finally had a wake up call one day when a guy I was dating looked at my 1 yr old son and said, "It's no wonder your dad didn't want to be a part of your life." I remember I calmly shut the door to my son's room with him in it... and I threw that guy up against the closet and then fought him to the floor and said to him "If you EVER say something like that to my son again, I swear I will kill you." Obviously I wouldn't take it that far.. but it was a wake up call. Shortly after, I packed my things and I called a relative and said I needed to get out. I needed to change my life and move.

I detoxed, yes, this is where I really learned what detoxing is. And even my own family doesn't know this about me I don't think. I was so far removed from everyone at this point. I moved out on my own and had 1 month essentially to detox, find a job, find a place to live, and find insurance and state aid and a day care to take my son in.

ONE. MONTH.

I fell on my face every night and prayed desperately that if this was God's plan that I was giving it up to Him. That I was trusting Him to make it happen and I would put in the work to do it.

Within just over one month, I had accomplished everything. The apartment I got, the security deposit and first months rent was donated to me by some random person. I still don't really understand to this day how that worked out. But, it did. And the job I got, led me to a night out with people I didn't really know and I made a stupid decision to drink underage and got kicked out of a club and was stuck sitting in the cold rain by myself cut off from people I didn't even have phone numbers for. I had no way to get home even. And this one guy, came out looking for me and offered to leave his friends (the friends I'd also come with) to take me home.

This one guy, happened to be the guy I would marry. God KNEW again that I would make a poor decision, and knew again exactly how that would play into my future. I was not looking for a relationship. I was definitely not looking for marriage. But, God orchestrated everything to work out according to His plan.

Every single day since that night, Zach and I were inseparable. He would show up at my house unannounced and surprise me. We talked about everything and anything for hours, sometimes staying up an entire night to just... talk. We instantly became the best of friends. He also took me out on my very first official date. The first guy to ever care enough about me, to treat me like a Queen and take me out on an actual date. I had no intentions of dating him. But he wanted to be the one to do that for me. It was beautiful. And then 3 months after we met, at Summerfest, he proposed to me with a $12 ring from one of the vendor stands. I had never considered marrying him. I had never considered romantically spending any length of time with him. But in that moment I realized.... wow. Yes, yes.. this could really work. This could really be something special.

We immediately decided to be abstinent until our marriage because we wanted to really know each other on a personal level as opposed to a physical level. That was NOT easy. Especially when you suddenly realize you are in love with someone.... you want to be with that person. But we held true to that. And we went through a lot of rough times. And we held out until 3 weeks before we got married. But when we finally decided to give in it was something we talked about. And we realized that is was important to us to share that with each other. Because in our minds we were as married as we were ever going to be. We were committed. And we were becoming bitter and angry and resentful because we couldn't share with each other something that is so important in a relationship. That physical aspect of a relationship is something that God gave to couples. And we knew we were being sinful but we decided it was right for us. And God KNEW this was going to happen. (See a trend here yet?) ;) ) I got pregnant that first time. We found out I believe either the day we got married, or the day before.

Our marriage has been anything but perfect. We've talked about getting divorced many times. But, deep down.. we know that is never an option for us. Life gets hard. Being married.... is hard. And having 4 kids when we ourselves are barely adults, well, that is VERY hard. But God has been working in us and through us every single step of the way. I love my husband more than any living person on this Earth. I love him more than my kids in a DIFFERENT way. Because our kids are of my husband. With out my husband I would not have the life I have and I would not be the person I am today.

When we were engaged, I remember we were in the parking lot outside of Applebees in Oshkosh, and Zach looked at me and said,

 "If I were not a Christian, would you still marry me." 

I remember I thought for a second and looked at him and said, "No." Because I knew at that point, that if I were going to be getting married, that we could not do it on our own. We are 2 people. And when they say 2 become one, I disagree. 2 join together to become 1 in Christ. With out God, we are still just 2 separate people. But with God, we can do and be anything. I knew if that after everything I'd been through in my life, that if I was going to embark on this new journey, I needed a solid ground in place. So when we fell, because we KNEW we were going to fall, we had someone, something there to catch us.

We have fallen... many times. And I am so thankful for the husband I have. A husband who has not always been a spiritual leader in our house as I hoped, but who has always stood by me and supported me as a spiritual believer. My husband knows God is faithful to us. He knows that He is the rope that holds us together. But I also know that God's work in us is not done. And for awhile I struggled with this. I wanted a husband who was going to lead our home.

But a friend of mine said to me the other day.... maybe right now, God needs you to lead your home. So you can be an example of Christ to your husband and your kids. And I said to her.. "But it's so hard. I'm not worthy of such a job. Why does it have to be so hard at times?!" And she said to me, "Of course it's going to be hard. Do you think it was easy for God? He sent His only son to Earth and had to watch him suffer and die the most painful death. Do you think that was easy? Do you think it was easy for Jesus to carry the cross and die for us? No. It was the hardest thing anyone has ever had to do." And it hit me. Nothing in life that I go through will ever compare to what was done for me. I have been selfishly sitting here watching God work in my life through every struggle. Picking me up every single time I fall short. And all that I have to do is trust Him and be an example of that love to my family?

That's not hard. That's an honor. I am so privileged to be here and to have the family and the life that I have. And I have selfishly looked for reasons to give up and say it's too hard. ESPECIALLY after how far I have come and after all the work God has done in me.

All I have to do is Love. I have a beautiful family. I have an incredible husband. And I have incredible friends. This world is full of so much good if you just stop and look around. I am SO blessed. And when I look at it that way... no. It is not hard to love and to be thankful. Because with out Him.....


I would be nothing.